Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
You Might Also Like
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?