My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m not lazy