I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
ok like just. call me at this point