Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
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This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Art by Pastelkatto
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.