I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Left at a local drug store…
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.