Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Sign of the day..
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?