Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Always 🥴
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.