Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.