ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
A short story of betrayal:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
that lip filler tho
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀