You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY