Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You Might Also Like
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sharon I have some bad news
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”