Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You Might Also Like
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?