‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Ironic
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…