Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers