This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
You Might Also Like
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Got him!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george