If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Girl, same.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
i dont have time for this
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …