90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
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If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them