Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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I miss this era type of pranks😭
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Proctology is located in A55
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.