Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.