Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY