Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
mariah carrie
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?