When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.