You Might Also Like
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The news in a nutshell.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
#growingpains
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.