*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You Might Also Like
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
the composer
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?