Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
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I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
See..?
.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.