Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?