People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Never ghost your hitman.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Room with a view.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.