*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.