12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
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How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter