How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I came this close!!!!
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.