I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
That de-escalated quickly
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.