The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
White parent Vs Arab parents
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.