[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My kitchen overserved me.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Sunday
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.