Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock