Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.