How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Overindulged this afternoon.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.