I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
You Might Also Like
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Dune (2021)
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.