A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
#Caturday
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.