If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem