Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.