If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Pigeon open mic night.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
<- sleeps well with others
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.