maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Kermit goes Blue.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.