In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Discuss
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is