I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
You Might Also Like
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.