Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine