Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
This came to me in a dream.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
This guy gets it.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves