I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
All. The. Damn. Time.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
If I ignore life will it go away?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.