my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
You Might Also Like
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My blood type is coffee.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence