i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW