Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired